To Share
To Share
David Rim
A friend was just being themselves the other day. My friend probably will never hear the words, "thank you for saying hi to me". They evened out the mood for me when my month has felt like I was being on a boat being rocked by the power of the waves. I am still breathing though just here to share life whether it is good, bad, wonderful, beautiful, ratchet and cynical.
Word of the week is maybe. The word I used when I am sure but not sure but sure it's confirmed in my heart. But not sure if God is the one leading me here.
I'm sure this will just slowly fade as a good memory. My friend said they'll take a step back (not sure what this means). I'm alright though I have to work on making things obvious that I'm interested. Not like my personal life other then love is where it should be. I'm slightly misunderstood what else is new? The fact that I have to act is caused from inner conflict. If I approach it maybe means I want you around in my life. A little slow but steady to the race...as God intended. I tend to jot a million notes down. They just help me relieve stress and keeps my mind calm. Plus I like to see the hindsight and wonder if things could have been different with a step forward instead of backwards.
The following fits the description of "I'm just being kind..."
1st meeting was a hi inside an empty church room. Unique points from this interaction is the boldness to sit with me. I arrived at church at my normal time 15 mins early. Who knows what I was thinking. I was praying earnestly then was tapped on my shoulder and interrupted with a polite kindness of wanting to sit there. By all means seats empty take it, but why here the whole room is for your choosing. A second meeting would have been a last minute bbq. Your name was brought up in conversation I was already there. For some reason I was bummed you weren't able to make it. Third meeting was a simple hi again during service. Nothing special here I had to play along the game of "not sure if we met before but my name is David". My memories pretty sharp and I tend to remember actions people make.
My coworkers hear all about church social interactions. They all rooting me on, but they hear all the failed attempts. When you say it does not look like it that's because I am a master of diversion. The information is all subtle and out there hidden between the lines.
Fourth meeting was at church again. I was busy enjoying the music and singing. I believe I was praying about you through the week. In my peripheral I saw you coming from my left needing to sit down. Placed your bag and gigantic notebook down on the chair next to me. You shifted your head forward to check who it was. Took you a few seconds but you decided to move your belongings to sit closer. "Just being kind is it..." We greeted and you acted surprised. I did not want to burst your bubble but it was mutual meeting. I probably had a poker face and you probably couldn't decipher my emotions. I am not reactive at all. Sorry friend.
Next time I'll move more aggressively.
Maybe I did wrong for being myself. I don't want a one on one teacher parent meeting. I just want to do things with you whatever it may be. I noticed okay. I don't express or show concern because that's just how I am. I care too much. I know too much. I see too much.
Food wise we had our time eating Pho. Sitting right across from me ordered a soup with no additional things like bean sprouts, jalapeno, and sauces. My thoughts were you are selective and looking out for health. You were also listening to me talk, but once I caught notice I kept my sharing time shorter. Can't show you my weak self.
85° cafe how B.S. is that situation now when. I understand how organized and savvy you are at planning min-maxing everything with efficiency. Maybe drop the girl way of doing things. Maybe I will react the way you think I would. Instead of the subtle hints that guys are supposed to magically pick up on just clearly state your intentions. But then there is no fun of the game being played. I was just super tired for personal and work reasons. You asked kindly if I was grabbing a drink then started talking with the girls. At the end of it all you guys went to catch a movie next door. I grabbed your guys empty trash and held the door open because I am kind too. You knew I wasn't going to the movie maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there was some girl talk I didn't know of I don't know for sure. You could have just asked the people that were going or use that GPS that you used to find the cafe. Yes, you have only been in town a few weeks. But maybe you were having some bad Intentions. I just gave directions while confused and dazed. If this was supposed to be a hint I missed it like any other guy (oblivious).
Your words are just things done out of kindness. I get it I do it too. If everything is done out of kindness similar to me it ends up being all out of love because it's Jesus that drives my core your core our core. We are both after God's own heart~
Gyro I ordered before the rest of the group. You were right across me again, but there was three sets of conversations. I could listen to majority of your stories. Just happened by the time I ordered I chose the next empty location which were with you girls. Sushi after a long time I was wondering where you've been. We ended up being there at the same time and this was the first time you got to learn some basic information from me. Months in... The girl asked if we were a couple. I didn't know we were. What am I supposed to say I don't like feeling trapped. I would want to be but this world is foreign to me. Because I wanted too... just like how you like to have a plan I'm similar. If it doesn't go accordingly then I have a good chance of breaking down. My best response would have been not yet or how long have we been together. Remember I'm super poker faced and not good at wearing my emotions on my sleeves. Korean restaurant I could have sat with you guys, but I waited patiently for the pastor to come. I could have but my shy introverted self just couldn't. We said bye there though just an intense glare with a wave like something's going on between us. I'm probably being selfish. I chose not too sit with ya'll, hella shy maybe but we said bye that day.
Like I mentioned in the letter lots of butchered awkward moments, but something's drawing me closer to you. Ahh there was that random moment the back door was closed to service. As I walked to the front of the building my intuition said "oh shit Jesus ...you're setting this up huh." before I could think you were arriving at church. I said hi, shyly waved as I walked faster ahead then there was another individual in front of me as well as you trailing behind me. Awkward, a missed opportunity to sit with you and see how life's been going.
Sure doesn't look like I'm interested, but looks are one thing. I also hate confrontation whether it is good or bad. My heart probably isn't fully healed it's learning. Trust. A difficult word. Finally many butchered attempts to invite you out for my birthday. You were sick I was sick I was wondering where you are then we had snow days in February and other.
For missing so many opportunities God sure is funny.
Finally I cannot accept it. We are just trying to talk and get to business. My aloof nature makes it feel like I'm distant and uninterested. However, trust me it's just me wanting to be disconnected for the moment. It's just how I am. Finally, I can't accept that people keep asking if we are together or together going on a trip. Months after our hot n heavy hellos. Maybe just me isn't comfortable enough to not want to be well thought out before speaking in front of you. Life's been full for me mostly work. So haven't had time to process through this. Plus why is there the basic assumption of us being together? Can we not attempt to have a conversation for the first time of our lives. I see you are loved by many. Maybe they have heard my name too many times through the week.
I didn't tell you in person or over the net. But works been spiraling down hill lately and just talking to you briefly has kept my spirits up.
Maybe you'll dig deeper and find this someday. Maybe things will move for the better. Maybe I'll be okay. Without Jesus I have no hope. I'm just searching for my path like I said. I'm close to taking the throne just wanted you to see it from the beginning. Hoping someone will be with me to the end. Not just arrive when I'm at the top. God given. I can't distinguish between me and God because it's always overly prayers and thoughts. Might be my thoughts but God overrides that to the point I have to act. God ordained time for me to take the throne.
Thank you for entering my life. Hope you guys stick with me through my journey. They won't know how it even out my mood for the moment. I wish to turn off my mind because it always wants to work things out. Processing things until I crumble under the pressure. It's tough though to keep my head out of the clouds and just keep moving forward. I'm sure there are plenty things left out of this story.