What If...

What If...

David Rim

What if, that cold wind was a wave of anger. Because I keep running to comfort instead of facing my demons. That if I listened to the voice that said victory is over there. Right there. Pointing at you. You are the person I have been looking for.

And if I am being obedient to God. And in God's calling asking for wisdom. I would have went on a Japan mission trip with Luna. I would be helping the youth right now with a different Luna and Titus. I would have gone a mission trip to PH with Anita. If I went to Mexico a year earlier we could have connected about love island, heart signal and others isn't that so Kimi?

The last time I obeyed was serving the homeless. When in 2016 I was called to finish school. I started attending New Life. I had to switch jobs to QFC and I wanted to bring food for them. Because deep down in my heart I understood how fickle hearted people were. Weak fools (in a booming thunderous voice)! Why cant they be gracious with the abundance God has provided for them. We were dealt better cards of life.

I wanted to be gracious then I ran into Gloria, last talked over a decade ago. Damn... I bet this wasn't on the bingo card when the leader asked two strangers to go group up some homeless people to get some food. Two people that shared a similar adolescent life. Two people that were close and drifted apart for college. But she had a crush on the praise leader the whole time back then. Just like everyone else and their mothers. I did not see what infatuation everyone else saw. I just saw a confident in their own shell drug dealer. Yet, I'm the one truly sharing life with her.

I feel bad because I was not ready then nor am I ready now. It looks greedy because I am supposed to learn life lessons all these years only to stumble along what they call life. That there was that one true moment. I honestly did not know what to do. I did not hear from you for a few days. You called and we could not connect properly. The people at the hospital would not allow you to make a phone call. And I appreciate that you had trust in me even though I was powerless to visit or do anything. First person she wanted to contact when she woke up was me (not family).

That it breaks my heart. Since the repeating pattern of life seems to be me at the end of the call. When people need me to show up. How many times have I succeeded vs failed? In my eyes vs God's?

That I obeyed my call to serve. I dropped my only work shift in the week at the point where I could not survive. In return I brought the equivalent to five small groups of nourishment for the homeless. I could not be more ashamed to be called a Christian in my life. That no one is wise enough to ask the right questions. That when the girl said “eww when we were all asked to hold hands to pray”. I was not shining bright enough to spark a fire inside people's dormant heart. Yet, hindsight is still 20/20 because in present day. I am repeating my similar actions to the last member of the family that graciously was there for me in a tougher time. It's not me wanting anything, but a push to all those who think they cannot. They can, with God.

My unreconciled relationships. Will they become filled and whole. I ask Holy Spirit to talk with them on my behalf. I'm too awkward. I laugh as the leaves continue to fall on my windshield and the sun is peaking perfectly through the gap in the trees. Right through the car window to blind me. I am pissed writing this, but smiling.