Sickness

Sickness

David Rim

The kickoff for the year is starting strong. I made a small commitment for myself. I wanted to regain some of the time I wasted. Start turning the wheels and make moves quietly. A lot of things went well. I feel like I have been sick for most of the year. Whether it was mentally, emotionally or physically. My spirit somehow stayed steadfast and in prayer.

I think by now I have been understanding more of the thoughts that enter my mind are from God or Satan. Like the story of Job all I can do is just cry, be in anguish, praise and etc... Because my heart just knows that this Jesus will have my back I just need a little patience. I start February the most sick I have ever been by literally just sleeping, eating, blowing my nose and trying to use minimal energy to get through the week.

Honestly, I want to do more. At the same time I feel powerless alone. Physically, weaken as if I have another underlying condition about to appear. I can scroll for days, but my mind wants to convince my heart. God's making it more clear where I am headed. I just need to keep proactively moving.

Overall I am recovering fast. I am trying to patch the holes in my heart but it keeps bleeding love. I can see it now in hindsight. But if you were to tell me I would share love in this manner or unknowingly be unguarded. I would say you are crazy. I still believe we are headed for a collision course. But I ignore the pursuit to keep focus on my 'other' goals. I pray they heal fast enough to overcome any insecurities. That their intuition has sparked an oil fire that I cannot seem to smother out. I never asked for it not expected anything. I do selfishly believe God wants us together.

It does not necessarily mean together, but we are there to grow and heal off of each other like leaning your head onto my shoulder and vice versa. It does not matter your current status or third party thoughts. If you head towards God. God will point you to where you would need to be next. I need you around for my healing to be full. Learning to stop the bleeding with only visual simulations is a little tough. I have just kept myself distracted because it only looks like you could have no concern over me.

What's making me sick is I pulled in a months worth of wages in 6 hours. So that leaves me with 154 hours to reallocate to things I love and the relationships I need to deepen. Only, if that was the full case. I still have a job to attend to because I need my medical insurance. Other then that bills are paid except a few visits coming up. This month I am doing my best to stay grateful. That I am not dead being sick for a week. I have food on the table. I have a vehicle to drive and a free orca pass to use. Where I do not have to travel 1.5 hrs, spend $40 out of pocket to travel, and only have 14 hrs of work. Not all of us are dealt premium hands of life.

That as I pray to be more compassionate and gracious with my words. No need to be so edgy since my blood sugars weren't at 15% for years. Grateful that I can drive in snow, rain, ice whatever miraculously with a car that shouldn't be able to make it. I pray that you will be by my side in whatever condition you are at. I will be with you until you choose to seek something better to fulfill my lack of. You just have to give an inch I will take a foot. You probably have your heart super guarded and keeping busy with church to ignore all the signs around you. Or even the ones next to you. I probably snuck in undetected being myself and poured gasoline into your cup. Only for you to realize it faster than me and took a step back because the intensity was uncomfortable. I know my mind is aligned differently and my creativity has no bounds.

I will be quick to accept any who decides to love me more. I have been working on building the kingdom.