I'm not Okay

I'm not Okay

David Rim

So many stories left untold, lots of holes in my heart because my brain could not give up the control to faith.

"I'm not alright, I'm not okay. I don't wanna feel today. I don't wanna deal with pain. Someone take this all away. 'Cause I'm not okay" Crypt - I'm not okay.

Can I rewrite history? Can I take back all the bullying, the heartaches, deaths, sin, lies, cheating and stealing. Can you inject more laughter, love, shared moments and smiling faces? Somewhere hidden in the written archives lies parts of my soul like horcrux from Harry Potter. Where no matter how far I wander God steers me gently back.

It's not okay, but I like to stress test the bridge to see if the engineering of this world holds firm. Why, are you in black? When the weather decided to dip and my new drip came in the mail. Breaking in the shoes, testing my new shirt, damn I don't have enough accessories to accentuate my visuals. Will it be okay when we match unintentionally? Can I keep on a smile while my heart beats faster. What are the plans for today?

Will my "outgoing personality make me a new friend"? Am I really going to live by a fortune cookie? The angel on my right says "it's okay talk to the group" but the angel on my left says "let's switch spots I rather talk to the family and play with the kid". Might be the next phase of life I am longing for. It's not about the price of the meal. The quality is mid I worked in food industry too long to tell.

It's not about the money you can always earn more, spend less, stay on a budget, I am not super rich, just lucky blessed, and mainly I learned through my many mistakes. That is why I do not care too much about the price because I get to spend quality time. With a group of ten new strangers and five that are the first time I got to break bread with.

I am not okay...

My spirits unbearable. It's making me uncomfortable. Telling me I need to start moving. That if I lean not on my own understanding. God says the yolk will be super light all you heavy and anxious hearted just give praise. That we will never be under immense pressure to where we will weep bloody tears. Remember Jesus did. Did that for us and got nailed to a cross.

I will be okay...

My body seems to be holding weight. Up 15 pounds from the 20 I lost two years ago. My toes, legs and rest of my body are slowly feeling the firing of each neurological re-establishing of connections. Mixture of stress and bad eating habits my bodies regulating blood sugars well. So I am extending my limits to trust God more in all things (insert poker here). God's calling me to the mission field...

Mission trip as a starter. The master puppeteer is pulling the strings from the heavens. It's not the mission trip it's each person I come in contact with there's an assignment. I do not have faith in my own ability to pass them perfect scores. Jesus, wants me to teach and guide. How can I be the light? When I trip and fall on my face weekly. Where each weakness I contain seems to be overshadowed with love.

My daily walk with the word as my sword will outlast the stand of time...

It will continue to help me shine brighter. I will burn. But will it be the candle light Jesus wants me to imitate? I can't go as hard as I want to. Back to back to back game matches seems fine on the outside. High blood pressure and the random side effects of diabetics is excessive sweating (which only feels dangerous). If I cannot regulate my body temperature. But as the sun starts to set the court and ball gets easier to spot. Yet, that is when the lights become brighter. With my heart beat rising with the level of competition. The halo effect of the lights make everythings a blur around me. Do you really think in normal conditions I would miss an easy backhanded shot? Even, when I can remember the details of your habits, fit and mannerisms.

When each smash shot was aimed to the taller person that hasn't gotten the timing to reach the low angle. When they drop the shot in front of me because I stayed in the back to return the shots. How surprised can you be if I can run and jump return a serve dropping so slow? You misunderstand my true strength and judged incorrectly. Just like the wooden paddle player. After his few points scored I could tell what to expect.

I am not okay...

Giving Jesus full control. But I do pray. And someone out there has been praying over me as well. Until, we meet face to face or already have. I will be singing praises when the doors are closed and no one can watch me. Because my spirit knows God is hard carrying me through these years. And together we have some work to do with Christ as the guide...

Look into my eyes...things will be okay~ Now that we are doing things together.